Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Poetry.

Hello fellow followers!
As many of you know, I post poems on Facebook. Well, I've started to try and weave them together. Kinda like a big story made out of poems...like Ellen Hopkins' style of writing...which inspired me in the first place.
Anyways, I would love your feedback on what I have so far. The entirety of it all is called Forever...or maybe Continuum (haven't decided). Please comment your thoughts!:)


Music





Always helped me through it.


"It" being mostly myself.


I'd just pop in those two earphones


And let the music engulf me.





All of me.





See, when you give yourself up





You truly have to give the whole of yourself.





            Life's

      a big circle that

we have to learn how to

          fill in with


               us.


We


decide.





See, I don't just listen to music.





Just to listen.





I listen.





To escape.





Life.


Death.


Darkeness.


Daylight.


Everything.





even me.





I like to think that I was once





strong enough to face this life alone.





But I know I was never so lucky.





I've always had to have someone





something





else there to keep me up.





It hasn't always


been as simple.





as listening.





I've done things that would make most people cringe in their shoes.





Right out of their shoes.



Instead of popping earphones...
Pills
Drugs
Everything imaginable.

Was
P
  O
    P
      P
        E
          D





Actually.





Life isn't always





So


Pretty...





But she taught me.





There's reason to live.





Reason to love.





Reason to try.





There's always.





(ALWAYS)





something worth fighting for.





We just have to listen.





Deep down..


                                          far.

                           inside.

            further.




There's always something worth





D


Y


I


N


G





for.





We just have to decide.





Decisions





Stick


With





Us.








Forever.




And Always...

When I stay real quiet and stare into space I can still hear it.

"Don't go. Please."

The chilling, once intoxicating, voice.

"Baby I have to go."

The most beautiful voice.

"Just stay."

That had an even more beautiful face.

"You know if I could I would."

The girl who I would do anything for.

"Oh."

Everything.

"But. But you can come with me."

Anything.

"Its okay. Just go."

Too little.

"No baby. Come with me. I want you to."

Too much.

"I guess. Okay."

A little.

"I mean if...if you want to.."

Too late.

"Yes. Yes. I'll go."

The end.

Well not quite.

It didn't end until later.

Too soon.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Kiss.

I didn't see it.

Scream.

Dark.

Everywhere.

Black.

Then

All

White.

I was saved that night.

She wasn't so lucky.

That white is all I'm surrounded by.

I couldn't stand being alone.

Responsible. 

For her.

For taking her life. 

For not just staying like she asked. 

I felt like I didn't deserve to live either.

So I decided.

To

Do

It.

Finally.

At least I'd be able to see her again.

So it ends tonight.

End

isn't the right word. My life begins again.

Step off the chair, noose tied tight.

Its time.

Black.

White.

Scream.

I guess its over.

I never meant to hurt you.

I

Loved.

-Love.

You.

Forever and always.

The girl of my dreams.

I came to find you.

"Where are you?"

Voices.

Light.

Wait. 

Voices?





I guess its not that easy.

I must find you darling.

I know your out there somewhere in space.

I'll find you.

I will find you.

Someday. 

I'll never stop looking.

Forever and Always.



More on HER. 


I walk the halls of this burdened shithole. There's nothing left here for me. With a gpa as low as mine, there's no need to even come to school.

The counselor calls me a "bad influence." that's an understatement, bitch. There was a time when I was a star student. Before the accident.

The accident that killed my mom. Killed my family. But mostly killed me.

I wander the halls alone.

Face the day alone.

Well not completely alone.

There is one good thing about life.

Her.

The one thing that keeps me sane. The one who helped me through the countless days and nights.

I owe my existence to

Her.

She is my soul.

My life.

My heart.

My world.

She's the only thing I have left.

To hold on to.

To fight for.

Her.

She's all I have to stay alive. 

All I want.

All I need.

Everything.

Everything

Is

Her.

The only reason I love school.

She's the reason for my existence.

The reason I live.

The reason I breathe.

She's the one. (T.C.W. ♥)

My life.

My love.

My sanity.

All

For

Her.



Well until "it"

happened.

Well started happening...


When
the 
Hurt.
began.




It all began so fast.


A bottle rocket.

Flying
        Right
                  Through
my
grip.

It's so vague now.

but so close.

so vivid.

so real.


"No. Stop it."

Nothing.

No movement.

No breathing.

No life. 

Death.

"STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!"

But it doesn't.

It never does.

Never will.

Probably.

"Please..."

I'm begging now. 

But no one is there. 

No one listens.

No one cares.

Not even me.

There is no one else.

Just me.

Me.

And the person inside.

The one I fear the most.

I'm not comfortable. 

Ever.

Not at school. 

Not at home. 

Not in life.

Never.

I can't do it.

Can't escape it.

Because how do you escape something that's not there?

Something inside the person you are.

I can't.

I literally can't.

Mentally can't.

"Please. Please God. Help me."

Nothing.

"Stop complaining. Nothings wrong its just you..and me."

I can't stop the voice inside.

It slips out.

I can't hold it in.

And it scares me.

How can you stop something you can't?

I don't know what it is.

I don't know what it will do.

All I know is that

I'm hurt.

Physically.

Emotionally.

Mentally.

I'm hurt. Flawed. And I can't change.

My scars are invisible to others.

But still ooze with pain and fear on the inside.

They don't stop.

Never stop.

Just like it.

Never stops.

I can't.

Stop it.

"Enough."

It says.

I know I've gone too far.

And what happens next is too hard to even think about.

I feel it.

But I don't know where it comes from.

Pain.

Internal.

And.

External.

No one sees. 

The pain.

I cause myself.

Unwillingly.

Stop.

I tell myself.

Tell it.

"STOP!"

And for the first time,

I take control. 

Of me.

Of it.

For the first time,

I'm in charge.

Me.

Finally.

I know,

It won't ever hurt me again.

I know it can't affect me ever again.

Me.

I'm me.

In charge of me.

My life.

Me.

Finally.

I realize,

No one can

Hurt.

Me.

Only

I

Can

Hurt

Me.

It isn't hurt.

Isn't insanity.

Isn't pain.

It was always me.

I was just too scared to get

Hurt.

To figure it out before.

It wasn't scary.

It wasn't hurt.

It didn't hurt me.

It was me.

It was all me.



Of course I didn't know that then.

All I knew was "go."


go

going

gone...


Go.

Go.

Go.

That's all I heard my entire life.

Go.

At some point, I just wanted to be told stay, this is your home.

In my 15 years of life, a person couldn't imagine the stuff I've seen.

Usually that's the reason I have to

Go.

So that my "parents" can protect themselves.

I want to be protected too.

I don't always want to

Go.

I don't want to be sent from family to family anymore.

I don't want to

Go.

I want to stay.

That's why when I met

You, 

My life changed.

I felt wanted.

I felt important.

For the first time in my life,

I felt more than useless.

"I love you," you'd say.

And it would make me crazy.

Those three little words. 

The impact.

The feeling.

Its a cliche but for once I felt

Loved.

By you.

That's all I ever wanted.

For someone not to say

Go.

Go.

Go.

You've made me insane.

I love you and I hate it. 

I hate it so much. 

I hate having someone to love. 

Because since I laid eyes on you my mind hasn't stopped racing. 

A billion miles an hour. 

All about you. 

I can't stop worrying. 

I can't stop wondering. 

I can't stop wanting. 

You've made me a monster. 

But its okay

Because I love you with all of my being.

So when I felt you were going to say something,

I thought 

Here it comes.

Go.

Go.

Go.

But then something different happened. 

You leaned in close and said.

Please.

Don't.

Go.

And just like that,

You changed my life.

And I don't have to

Go.

And I don't have to be afraid to

Go.

And I can accept it.

Accept you.

And I finally say,

I.

Will.

Never.

Go.


Or at least that's what I thought.

Then.


See, people try and make life

something that it's not.


And even when you want something with all of  your might, you
     probably 
          won't 
                get
it.



I wanted you.

Wanted us.


I've never wanted anything more in my whole life, than that one moment. The one moment where everything seems so

Perfect.

When the whole world stops in its tracks for just one second.

The feeling of love. Feeling that you're needed.

Is it too much to want to feel strong and proud for just one moment.

Was it just never meant to be?

I'm here.

Waiting.

Just for you.

I'll catch you. 

Pull you up when you fall.

Be by your side.

Life would be

Perfect.

If you were here.

With me.

Life isn't fair.

Sometimes you get lucky...and sometimes

You lose.

Fallen.

Defeated.

You have to just hope and pray that you get a good hand.

Good luck.

Hope you find someone.

The one.

Everyone hopes for that one moment.

That one feeling.

That one love.

But in all actuality,

Most of us never get it.

Because

That's just it.

Life isn't fair.

Its just a shooting star.

You see it.

Its beautiful.

You make a wish.

Then, just like that...


Its gone.


With no warning.

No alarm.

No expiration date to expect.



Just

G

    O

      N

        E.

No matter how badly you want something to work.

All you can do is hope.
Pray.

(if that works...)



Times weren't always so bad...


I

remember.


You.

Me.


Us...



You.

That one little word.

Enough to make every nerve in my body tingle.

You.

Brown eyes.

That can pierce through anything it seems.

That intoxicate anything in their gaze.

You.

With the blinding smile.

That makes me go crazy.

That can brighten any day.

You.

The wittiness that works as an Insta-happy.

That makes every bad day good.

You.

The way you talk.

With so much enthusiasm.

With so much emphasis on every syllable.

With so much presence. 

You.

The way you can leave for 3 weeks

Come back

And everything seems normal.

You.

And your face.

And your cheeks.

And your lips.

You.

The perfect one.

Except

Something

Is

Missing.

There's only one thing that can make you more perfect.

Me.

Me.

The weird one. 

The one who seeks

And seeks

And seeks

But feels empty all the same.

Me.

I need something.

Everything.

Anything.

Anyone.

Me.

With the

Dark

Scary

Empty

Cold

Eyes.

Me.

That smiles so rarely.

Never is a better word.

Me. 

With no aspirations.

Until


Met

You.

The only thing that keeps me sane.

You.

The one thing that changed everything.

Me.

Bright cheery eyes.

Incessant smiling.

Witty attitude.

Me.

No not me.

Its all because of

You.

Because you made

Me 

A

Better

Person.

You.

Us.

Us.

The happiness.

The joy.

The constant reminder that I'm wanted.

No

Needed.

The constant feeling that I need.

You.

Your greatness made me great.

You saved me.

We're saved.

We're each an open hand.

Now clutched on to one another.

Us.

Me

Enthralled

Entwined

By one thing

You.

You.

You.

The constant thought.

Running through my head.

Never leaving.

You made me have something to live for.

Its not just 

Me.

Not just

You.

Its all different now.

All great now.

An all new reason.

A reason to fight.

Fight forever.

For us.

Us.

Us.

Us.



Now, all I remember is..

being

A
   L
      O
         N
            E.


lone.

That's the way we were born into this world.

Alone.

Its a scary thought.

Being isolated from humanity.

Alone.

At some point in life, we'll be alone.

No one really cares at some point in life. You have to take care of yourself.

You have to face the world.

Alone.

I sit in a darkened room.

Alone.

And yet the fears of isolation dissipate.

Being alone is cleansing.

It let's our soul have time to purify.

There's only one true place we are ourselves.

Alone.

No one sees the true person.

Alone.

You alone know the person you are when you're alone.

Alone.

Its the way we'll leave this place called life.

Alone.

It isn't scary in the least.

Unless you're truly...

Alone.

Because no one in their right mind can face this place.

Alone.





I know it's kinda a bundle of mess smashed together...but it's a work in progress.

2 comments:

  1. wow! that's a lot to take in! and, you know poetry 'in general' isn't my groove thang...... (neither is talking in 'quotes' but see how i bend?) right!?!

    very interesting, well written, parts made me feel like the relationship was with God. parts with abuse, parts with love. Not always a human person. i like that.

    the conflict with self is almost psycho! like bi-polar or something... more extreme than makes me comfortable. also a good thing.

    insightful beyond your years, and tremendous sad. sad. sad. i want to cling to the joyful parts more. that's just my human-ness. my own mess.

    thank you for the post! i was missing your voice!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks so much!

    I was missing my voice too. Luckily, iTunes was invented to help me find inspirational music!

    ReplyDelete