Saturday, February 26, 2011

Addiction..or Inspiration?

I'd choose the latter of the two, but my mother would more than likely beg to differ.

Anyways, I purchased 12 new albums via iTunes within the past two weeks.

I know, i know, its a bit ridiculous...but all that great music..and let me tell you it was GREATT inspired me to write this new poem

its called Things Better Left A Mystery.

Life is a constant struggle.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in guilt.

That we seek.

Seek
Seek
And
Seek
Some
More.

We seek our whole life.

For
Nothing.

We fight. 

Fight for life.

For love.

For sanity.

For nothing.

Its part of life.

We try

And try

And try.

But 

Deep

Down

We knew it was
H
O
P
E
L
E
S
S.

All along.

We put on these fake faces of enjoyment and for what?

A few years of happiness?

The person on the outside would say

Life is so worth it.

(or some sappy crap about life lessons.)

Throughout life people make up this bullshit that we are supposed to learn eighty billion life lessons. None of these have any true relevance. At the end of the day, all the lessons we need can be summed up into 3 life lessons.

1. Learn to live.

Right off the bat. We try to make life into this big complicated jumble of mess.

I believe the true reason behind wanting to complexify life is to have something to bitch about.

If we learn how to live, life is easy. Things work out.

We just need the simplicity in life.

2. Learn to accept.

We always have this mental image of what we want to morph into and be. We want more.

Power.

Wealth.

Everything.

We never just want the person we are.

We are made the way we're supposed to be made.

When we learn to accept ourselves

The person inside

Can shine through 

And make number 3 so much easier.

3. Learn to love.

Not 

Lust.

Not

Greed.

Not

Selfishness.

Pure
Genuine
Love.

We have to love others. Show them we care.

Show them the true feelings

Inside.

We have to love those we love.

And those we hate.

Loving those we hate makes life all the more bright.

All the more enjoyable.

We have to love everyone.

But the hardest part of lesson number 3 is learning to love us.

Learn to love the person inside.

The one hiding under your skin.

Learn to live,

Learn to accept,

And 

Learn to love.

The rest is a detail of this grand place.

What's meant to be will find a way.

And that's it.

Anything which hinders any of these three,

Is a waste of time.

Shine,

Flourish,

And above all,

Even in the darkest of times,

Love.


The person outside would say

There's so much left in life to explore.

But in all reality,

The true person inside.

Is dying to scream out.

To break out.

To yell to the world.

The truth.

The day bears fa├žades to the maximum...

But at night, the beasts inside come out to play.

Update!

I've recently perfected the poem i last posted.

It's called Continuum. This is the final product.



Music





Always helped me through it.


"It" being mostly myself.


I'd just pop in those two earphones


And let the music engulf me.





All of me.





See, when you give yourself up





You truly have to give the whole of yourself.





            Life's

      a big circle that

we have to learn how to

          fill in with


               us.


We


decide.





See, I don't just listen to music.





Just to listen.





I listen.





To escape.





Life.


Death.


Darkeness.


Daylight.


Everything.





even me.





I like to think that I was once





strong enough to face this life alone.





But I know I was never so lucky.





I've always had to have someone





something





else there to keep me up.





It hasn't always


been as simple.





as listening.





I've done things that would make most people cringe in their shoes.





Right out of their shoes.



Instead of popping earphones...
Pills
Drugs
Everything imaginable.

Was
P
  O
    P
      P
        E
          D





Actually.





Life isn't always





So


Pretty...





But she taught me.





There's reason to live.





Reason to love.





Reason to try.





There's always.





(ALWAYS)





something worth fighting for.





We just have to listen.





Deep down..


                                    far.

                      inside....

        further.




There's always something worth





D


Y


I


N


G





for.





We just have to decide.





Decisions





Stick


With





Us.








Forever.




And Always...

When I stay real quiet and stare into space I can still hear it.

"Don't go. Please."

The chilling, once intoxicating, voice.

"Baby I have to go."

The most beautiful voice.

"Just stay."

That had an even more beautiful face.

"You know if I could I would."

The girl who I would do anything for.

"Oh."

Everything.

"But. But you can come with me."

Anything.

"Its okay. Just go."

Too little.

"No baby. Come with me. I want you to."

Too much.

"I guess. Okay."

A little.

"I mean if...if you want to.."

Too late.

"Yes. Yes. I'll go."

The end.

Well not quite.

It didn't end until later.

Too soon.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Kiss.

I didn't see it.

Scream.

Dark.

Everywhere.

Black.

Then

All

White.

I was saved that night.

And I was so close to her.

Like if I was there with her.

But I wasn't.

She was alone.

Bitter cold.

Alone.

I was saved.

Alone.

She.

I can't.
Won't.

Say it.

That white is all I'm surrounded by.

I couldn't stand being alone.

Responsible. 

For her.

For taking her life. 

For not just staying like she asked. 

I felt like I didn't deserve to live either.

So I decided.

To

Do

It.

Finally.

At least I'd be able to see her again.

So it ends tonight.

End

isn't the right word. My life begins again.

Step off the chair, noose tied tight.

Its time.

Black.

White.

Scream.

I guess its over.

I never meant to hurt you.

I

Loved.

-Love.

You.

Forever and always.

The girl of my dreams.

I came to find you.

"Where are you?"

Voices.

Light.

Wait. 

Voices?





I guess its not that easy.

I must find you darling.

I know your out there somewhere in space.

I'll find you.

I will find you.

Someday. 

I'll never stop looking.

Forever and Always.



More on HER.  (before "her" accident)


I walk the halls of this burdened shithole. There's nothing left here for me. With a gpa as low as mine, there's no need to even come to school.

The counselor calls me a "bad influence." that's an understatement, bitch. There was a time when I was a star student. Before the accident.

The accident that killed my mom. Killed my family. But mostly killed me.

I wander the halls alone.

Face the day alone.

Well not completely alone.

There is one good thing about life.

Her.

The one thing that keeps me sane. The one who helped me through the countless days and nights.

I owe my existence to

Her.

She is my soul.

My life.

My heart.

My world.

She's the only thing I have left.

To hold on to.

To fight for.

Her.

She's all I have to stay alive. 

All I want.

All I need.

Everything.

Everything

Is

Her.

The only reason I love school.

She's the reason for my existence.

The reason I live.

The reason I breathe.

She's the one. 

My life.

My love.

My sanity.

All

For

Her.



Well until "it"

happened.

Well started happening...


When
the 
Hurt.
began.




It all began so fast.


A bottle rocket.

Flying
        Right
                  Through
my
grip.

It's so vague now.

but so close.

so vivid.

so real.


"No. Stop it."

Nothing.

No movement.

No breathing.

No life. 

Death.

"STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!"

But it doesn't.

It never does.

Never will.

Probably.

"Please..."

I'm begging now. 

But no one is there. 

No one listens.

No one cares.

Not even me.

There is no one else.

Just me.

Me.

And the person inside.

The one I fear the most.

I'm not comfortable. 

Ever.

Not at school. 

Not at home. 

Not in life.

Never.

I can't do it.

Can't escape it.

Because how do you escape something that's not there?

Something inside the person you are.

I can't.

I literally can't.

Mentally can't.

"Please. Please God. Help me."

Nothing.

"Stop complaining. Nothings wrong its just you..and me."

I can't stop the voice inside.

It slips out.

I can't hold it in.

And it scares me.

How can you stop something you can't?

I don't know what it is.

I don't know what it will do.

All I know is that

I'm hurt.

Physically.

Emotionally.

Mentally.

I'm hurt. Flawed. And I can't change.

My scars are invisible to others.

But still ooze with pain and fear on the inside.

They don't stop.

Never stop.

Just like it.

Never stops.

I can't.

Stop it.

"Enough."

It says.

I know I've gone too far.

And what happens next is too hard to even think about.

I feel it.

But I don't know where it comes from.

Pain.

Internal.

And.

External.

No one sees. 

The pain.

I cause myself.

Unwillingly.

Stop.

I tell myself.

Tell it.

"STOP!"

And for the first time,

I take control. 

Of me.

Of it.

For the first time,

I'm in charge.

Me.

Finally.

I know,

It won't ever hurt me again.

I know it can't affect me ever again.

Me.

I'm me.

In charge of me.

My life.

Me.

Finally.

I realize,

No one can

Hurt.

Me.

Only

I

Can

Hurt

Me.

It isn't hurt.

Isn't insanity.

Isn't pain.

It was always me.

I was just too scared to get

Hurt.

To figure it out before.

It wasn't scary.

It wasn't hurt.

It didn't hurt me.

It was me.

It was all me.



Of course I didn't know that then.

All I knew was "go."


go

going

gone...


Go.

Go.

Go.

That's all I heard my entire life.

Go.

At some point, I just wanted to be told stay, this is your home.

In my 15 years of life, a person couldn't imagine the stuff I've seen.

Usually that's the reason I have to

Go.

So that my "parents" can protect themselves.

I want to be protected too.

I don't always want to

Go.

I don't want to be sent from family to family anymore.

I don't want to

Go.

I want to stay.

That's why when I met

You, 

My life changed.

I felt wanted.

I felt important.

For the first time in my life,

I felt more than useless.

"I love you," you'd say.

And it would make me crazy.

Those three little words. 

The impact.

The feeling.

Its a cliche but for once I felt

Loved.

By you.

That's all I ever wanted.

For someone not to say

Go.

Go.

Go.

You've made me insane.

I love you and I hate it. 

I hate it so much. 

I hate having someone to love. 

Because since I laid eyes on you my mind hasn't stopped racing. 

A billion miles an hour. 

All about you. 

I can't stop worrying. 

I can't stop wondering. 

I can't stop wanting. 

You've made me a monster. 

But its okay

Because I love you with all of my being.

So when I felt you were going to say something,

I thought 

Here it comes.

Go.

Go.

Go.

But then something different happened. 

You leaned in close and said.

Please.

Don't.

Go.

And just like that,

You changed my life.

And I don't have to

Go.

And I don't have to be afraid to

Go.

And I can accept it.

Accept you.

And I finally say,

I.

Will.

Never.

Go.


Or at least that's what I thought.

Then.


See, people try and make life

something that it's not.


And even when you want something with all of  your might, you
     probably 
          won't 
                get
                     it.

 too
        far
             from
                                         reach.



I wanted you.

Wanted us.


I've never wanted anything more in my whole life, than that one moment. The one moment where everything seems so

Perfect.

When the whole world stops in its tracks for just one second.

The feeling of love. Feeling that you're needed.

Is it too much to want to feel strong and proud for just one moment.

Was it just never meant to be?

I'm here.

Waiting.

Just for you.

I'll catch you. 

Pull you up when you fall.

Be by your side.

Life would be

Perfect.

If you were here.

With me.

Life isn't fair.

Sometimes you get lucky...and sometimes

You lose.

Fallen.

Defeated.

You have to just hope and pray that you get a good hand.

Good luck.

Hope you find someone.

The one.

Everyone hopes for that one moment.

That one feeling.

That one love.

But in all actuality,

Most of us never get it.

Because

That's just it.

Life isn't fair.

Its just a shooting star.

You see it.

Its beautiful.

You make a wish.

Then, just like that...


Its gone.


With no warning.

No alarm.

No expiration date to expect.



Just

G

    O

      N

        E.

No matter how badly you want something to work.

All you can do is hope.
Pray.

(if that works...)



Times weren't always so bad...


I

remember.


You.

Me.


Us...



You.

That one little word.

Enough to make every nerve in my body tingle.

You.

Brown eyes.

That can pierce through anything it seems.

That intoxicate anything in their gaze.

You.

With the blinding smile.

That makes me go crazy.

That can brighten any day.

You.

The wittiness that works as an Insta-happy.

That makes every bad day good.

You.

The way you talk.

With so much enthusiasm.

With so much emphasis on every syllable.

With so much presence. 

You.

The way you can leave for 3 weeks

Come back

And everything seems normal.

You.

And your face.

And your cheeks.

And your lips.

You.

The perfect one.

Except

Something

Is

Missing.

There's only one thing that can make you more perfect.

Me.

Me.

The weird one. 

The one who seeks

And seeks

And seeks

But feels empty all the same.

Me.

I need something.

Everything.

Anything.

Anyone.

Me.

With the

Dark

Scary

Empty

Cold

Eyes.

Me.

That smiles so rarely.

Never is a better word.

Me. 

With no aspirations.

Until


Met

You.

The only thing that keeps me sane.

You.

The one thing that changed everything.

Me.

Bright cheery eyes.

Incessant smiling.

Witty attitude.

Me.

No not me.

Its all because of

You.

Because you made

Me 

A

Better

Person.

You.

Us.

Us.

The happiness.

The joy.

The constant reminder that I'm wanted.

No

Needed.

The constant feeling that I need.

You.

Your greatness made me great.

You saved me.

We're saved.

We're each an open hand.

Now clutched on to one another.

Us.

Me

Enthralled

Entwined

By one thing

You.

You.

You.

The constant thought.

Running through my head.

Never leaving.

You made me have something to live for.

Its not just 

Me.

Not just

You.

Its all different now.

All great now.

An all new reason.

A reason to fight.

Fight forever.

For us.

Us.

Us.

Us.



Now, all I remember is..

being

A
   L
      O
         N
            E.


Alone.

That's the way we were born into this world.

Alone.

Its a scary thought.

Being isolated from humanity.

Alone.

At some point in life, we'll be alone.

No one really cares at some point in life. You have to take care of yourself.

You have to face the world.

Alone.

I sit in a darkened room.

Alone.

And yet the fears of isolation dissipate.

Being alone is cleansing.

It let's our soul have time to purify.

There's only one true place we are ourselves.

Alone.

No one sees the true person.

Alone.

You alone know the person you are when you're alone.

Alone.

Its the way we'll leave this place called life.

Alone.

It isn't scary in the least.

Unless you're truly...

Alone.

Because no one in their right mind can face this place.

Alone.



Yet I still can't help but remember.

This Minor Infraction...


I remember.

What we were.

What we should

Still be.

Now.

And I smile. I see you. Me.

Happy.

Like it used to be.

It wasn't so bad.

We weren't ripping at each other's throats.

Like a wild pack of hyenas.

We saw love.

Saw eachother. 

It was undeniable.

We.

Were undeniable.

So

What

Happened?

Where did things go

Down
The
Drain?

Why can't things go back to how

I remember.

I know things were bumpy sometimes. 

But what isn't?

Love is an unpaved road.

A road to nowhere.

But we were still in it.

Still following it.

Blindly.

We had eachother.

And that was enough.

I remember.

And would do anything to have it back.

The good.

The bad.

Everything.

The love.

The reason.

How can you just forget?

I refuse to think you're that shallow.

Don't you remember?

Us.

How we held eachother.

As we lay there intertwined.

I would do anything to see you again.

We were undeniable.

Don't you remember?


I'll forgive you.

I'll apologize first.

Just
Please
Come
Back.

Please.
Come.
Back.

Please come back.

Please
Come
Back.

My world is upside down without you here.

My heart feels like its gonna jump out my throat.

My brain feels like its been overused.

Over abused.

Over led.

Over load.

Just like me.

You sent me on a broken trail of horror.

When you left.

Please come back.

I can't function.

I won't function.

Until you're back.

Back. In. My. Arms.

Back
To
Where
We
-i-
Was happy.

Back
When
You hadn't gone.

Come
Back.

Without you,

Life is
P
 O
  I
   N
    T
     L
      E
       S
        S
         .

A downward spiral of

Lost love.

Lost dreams.

Lost faith.

Lost hope.

Without you,

I'm a downward spiral.

Lost love.

All because I lost

You.

Please
Come
Back.

Don't you remember all the great times we shared.

All the memories.

All the laughs.

All the love?

Where did it go?

Where did you go?

Why did you leave?

Please
Come
Back.

I need you.

My heart aches for you.

My soul yearns to fill the empty spot.

My hands twinge at the thought of your hands.

Electric.

Soft.

Warming.

Please come back.

Its all I can say.

I don't know where you are.

I don't know if you still believe,

But how do you just leave?

After 3 years

Of

Happiness.

Love.

Joy.

Excitement.

Fun.

Surprise.

Hope.

How can you just let it all go?

Please come back.

I beg

I plead

Please come back.

Just come back.

I'll forgive you.

Forgive you for leaving.

For abandoning

Me.

Us.

You just upped and left.

How?

Why?

Please come back.

If I could change time and make you stay, I would.

But I don't know why you even left.

All I know is I need you.

Every bit of you.

I yearn for you.

I long for you.

I want you.

So I wait for you.

Every day.

I wait.

And its okay because I love you.

I
Love
You.

I live for you.

I live to love you.

Everything.

All

For

You.

If you're out there 

Somewhere,

I want you to know

I'm sorry

For anything I did wrong.

All

I

Want
Is
For
You
To

Please

Come

Back.


I need you.

Everything about you makes my heart beat faster.


When



I like you.

Like you a lot.

When you smile.

When you cry.

When you laugh.

When you yell.

When I look into your eyes.

When I feel your heart beating.

When I just sit by you.

The world seems right

When you're around.

And when you lay next to me

I can't breathe.

Can't breathe when you're so close.

But it feels

Right.

So

Right.

I breathe you in in one big gulp.

Then its gone.

I can't breathe.

Because when I look at you

My mind races.

My heart aches.

My soul warms.

When I see you my ego is boosted.

When I miss you, my heart longs for you with every possible piece of itself.

My hands yearn to connect with yours.

When you're here,

Life is 

Beautiful

Wonderful

Great

Complete.

But when you're gone,

This is a dark place.

Its

Cold

Dark

Wrong

Broken.

When you're not near me,

Life is a smore with no chocolate.

When you're gone,

I'm gone.

Not myself.

A dead life.

A sad soul.

An empty bottomless pit of nothing.

Always yearning

Longing

For one thing.

You.

Anticipating that moment

When

You're here.

When

I see you.

When

I breathe you in.

When

You're back.

When

I'm mended.

A million broken pieces

Glued back together 

By the love of a saint.

My saint.

When you're here.

When we're together,

I'm whole.

When you're with me.

When

You

Are

By

Me

Life is complete.

When

You

Are

Gone

Its a different story.

So I sit here

Wondering

When?

When?

When?

When?

When?

Waiting.

Patiently.

For the perfect moment.

When

All

Will

Change.

And it is.

When

I say those

4

Words.

"Will"

When.

"You"

When.

"Marry"

When.

"Me?"

When.

The moment is perfect.

Life is perfect.

And

For a split second.

When

Life stands still

And you look me in the eyes.

And I know you've made my whole life before you even say it.

When

You

Said

It.

"Yes."

Through your sobs

That make me want to kiss your face.

My life is eternally complete.

When

We're 

Forever

Together.

When I'm yours and your mine.

When
For
The
First
Time,
I'm 
Not
Afraid.

When

You

Complete

My

Life

Every

Single

Day

Of

Your

Existence.

When for the first time,

I'm whole.

When.

Not a question anymore.

Just a statement.

When we're together,

I'm whole.



But now you're gone.

By choice.

By faith?


What am I supposed to do?



 I tell myself it wasn't my fault.

But that's the only thing I can think of.



WHY?


I can't not remember the words she said to me.

"Why? Why?!"

Honestly, I didn't know what to say. 
How do you explain something like that?

How do you explain yourself after trying something like that.

Why?

Echoes in my brain.

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why? Did she have to walk in and see me doing it.

Cutting.

"Why? Why?!"

Shock.

Gulp.

Big gulp.

"Whaa? Get out!

Get out!"

No movement.

"Get the fuck out!"

I ruined it.

Ruined it all.

Everything I had to live for.

Now
She's
Dead.

"its not your fault."

Everyone said.

Not my fault.

Not my fault?

Not my fault?!"

I can't not blame me.

Because I'm the only one to

Blame.

The
Only
One.

Why?

Why? Did I have to let her see me?

Why wasn't I smart about it.

I'd hidden it from her before.

No problem.

Why did I have to say that?

Why did she look so hurt?

What did she think?

What was I thinking?

Why?

Why?

Why?!

"Stop it. Stop blaming yourself. You know its not your fault."

There it is again

"its not your fault."

Why do they say that?

Why?

The have no idea.

I am to blame.

Me.

Me.

Me.

Me.

Me.

What did she feel?

When I said it.

When it happened.

When she sped.

When she skidded.

Into.

The.

Lake.

Why?

Why?

Why?!

Well, here's the thing, no one can say why.

No one knows.

Why I said it.

Why she sped.

Why she crashed.

Why He took her.

From me.

No one knows.

But I guess that's how life is supposed to go.

Not knowing.

Why?

Why?

Why?!

In the end, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter why.

Why things happen.

Happened.

Will happen.

None of it matters.

This doesn't matter anymore.

Because

Its all over now.

This is it.

Acceptance is love.

I accepted her death.

Accepted not knowing why.

Why?

Why?

Why?!

Life can go on.

I'll let it now.

Now

This is it.

Its over.

The end, the beginning.

All in one.

And.

No.

One.

Knows.

Why.


And I guess I never will.


All I know is I love her.

And even though she's gone.

I will always remember her.

And even though my life is as fucked up as it is.

There's still hope.

Still Reason.

Life may seem like a continuum sometimes,

But that's when we have to open our eyes

and 

R
  E
    A
      L
        I
         Z
           E


WE DECIDE.

Everything is in our

CONTROL.

We just have to pop in our iPods.
and figure out

what
    it
      is
we're
     fighting
            for.


I know its superrrr long, but I love you if you read it all the way through!