It's called Continuum. This is the final product.
Music
Always helped me through it.
"It" being mostly myself.
I'd just pop in those two earphones
And let the music engulf me.
All of me.
See, when you give yourself up
You truly have to give the whole of yourself.
Life's
a big circle that
we have to learn how to
fill in with
us.
We
decide.
See, I don't just listen to music.
Just to listen.
I listen.
To escape.
Life.
Death.
Darkeness.
Daylight.
Everything.
even me.
I like to think that I was once
strong enough to face this life alone.
But I know I was never so lucky.
I've always had to have someone
something
else there to keep me up.
It hasn't always
been as simple.
as listening.
I've done things that would make most people cringe in their shoes.
Right out of their shoes.
Instead of popping earphones...
Pills
Drugs
Everything imaginable.
Was
P
O
P
P
E
D
Actually.
Life isn't always
So
Pretty...
But she taught me.
There's reason to live.
Reason to love.
Reason to try.
There's always.
(ALWAYS)
something worth fighting for.
We just have to listen.
Deep down..
far.
inside....
further.
There's always something worth
D
Y
I
N
G
for.
We just have to decide.
Decisions
Stick
With
Us.
Forever.
And Always...
When I stay real quiet and stare into space I can still hear it.
"Don't go. Please."
The chilling, once intoxicating, voice.
"Baby I have to go."
The most beautiful voice.
"Just stay."
That had an even more beautiful face.
"You know if I could I would."
The girl who I would do anything for.
"Oh."
Everything.
"But. But you can come with me."
Anything.
"Its okay. Just go."
Too little.
"No baby. Come with me. I want you to."
Too much.
"I guess. Okay."
A little.
"I mean if...if you want to.."
Too late.
"Yes. Yes. I'll go."
The end.
Well not quite.
It didn't end until later.
Too soon.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
Kiss.
I didn't see it.
Scream.
Dark.
Everywhere.
Black.
Then
All
White.
I was saved that night.
And I was so close to her.
Like if I was there with her.
But I wasn't.
She was alone.
Bitter cold.
Alone.
I was saved.
Alone.
She.
I can't.
Won't.
Say it.
That white is all I'm surrounded by.
I couldn't stand being alone.
Responsible.
For her.
For taking her life.
For not just staying like she asked.
I felt like I didn't deserve to live either.
So I decided.
To
Do
It.
Finally.
At least I'd be able to see her again.
So it ends tonight.
End
isn't the right word. My life begins again.
Step off the chair, noose tied tight.
Its time.
Black.
White.
Scream.
I guess its over.
I never meant to hurt you.
I
Loved.
-Love.
You.
Forever and always.
The girl of my dreams.
I came to find you.
"Where are you?"
Voices.
Light.
Wait.
Voices?
I guess its not that easy.
I must find you darling.
I know your out there somewhere in space.
I'll find you.
I will find you.
Someday.
I'll never stop looking.
Forever and Always.
More on HER. (before "her" accident)
I walk the halls of this burdened shithole. There's nothing left here for me. With a gpa as low as mine, there's no need to even come to school.
The counselor calls me a "bad influence." that's an understatement, bitch. There was a time when I was a star student. Before the accident.
The accident that killed my mom. Killed my family. But mostly killed me.
I wander the halls alone.
Face the day alone.
Well not completely alone.
There is one good thing about life.
Her.
The one thing that keeps me sane. The one who helped me through the countless days and nights.
I owe my existence to
Her.
She is my soul.
My life.
My heart.
My world.
She's the only thing I have left.
To hold on to.
To fight for.
Her.
She's all I have to stay alive.
All I want.
All I need.
Everything.
Everything
Is
Her.
The only reason I love school.
She's the reason for my existence.
The reason I live.
The reason I breathe.
She's the one.
My life.
My love.
My sanity.
All
For
Her.
Well until "it"
happened.
Well started happening...
When
the
Hurt.
began.
It all began so fast.
A bottle rocket.
Flying
Right
Through
my
grip.
It's so vague now.
but so close.
so vivid.
so real.
"No. Stop it."
Nothing.
No movement.
No breathing.
No life.
Death.
"STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP!"
But it doesn't.
It never does.
Never will.
Probably.
"Please..."
I'm begging now.
But no one is there.
No one listens.
No one cares.
Not even me.
There is no one else.
Just me.
Me.
And the person inside.
The one I fear the most.
I'm not comfortable.
Ever.
Not at school.
Not at home.
Not in life.
Never.
I can't do it.
Can't escape it.
Because how do you escape something that's not there?
Something inside the person you are.
I can't.
I literally can't.
Mentally can't.
"Please. Please God. Help me."
Nothing.
"Stop complaining. Nothings wrong its just you..and me."
I can't stop the voice inside.
It slips out.
I can't hold it in.
And it scares me.
How can you stop something you can't?
I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it will do.
All I know is that
I'm hurt.
Physically.
Emotionally.
Mentally.
I'm hurt. Flawed. And I can't change.
My scars are invisible to others.
But still ooze with pain and fear on the inside.
They don't stop.
Never stop.
Just like it.
Never stops.
I can't.
Stop it.
"Enough."
It says.
I know I've gone too far.
And what happens next is too hard to even think about.
I feel it.
But I don't know where it comes from.
Pain.
Internal.
And.
External.
No one sees.
The pain.
I cause myself.
Unwillingly.
Stop.
I tell myself.
Tell it.
"STOP!"
And for the first time,
I take control.
Of me.
Of it.
For the first time,
I'm in charge.
Me.
Finally.
I know,
It won't ever hurt me again.
I know it can't affect me ever again.
Me.
I'm me.
In charge of me.
My life.
Me.
Finally.
I realize,
No one can
Hurt.
Me.
Only
I
Can
Hurt
Me.
It isn't hurt.
Isn't insanity.
Isn't pain.
It was always me.
I was just too scared to get
Hurt.
To figure it out before.
It wasn't scary.
It wasn't hurt.
It didn't hurt me.
It was me.
It was all me.
Of course I didn't know that then.
All I knew was "go."
go
going
gone...
Go.
Go.
Go.
That's all I heard my entire life.
Go.
At some point, I just wanted to be told stay, this is your home.
In my 15 years of life, a person couldn't imagine the stuff I've seen.
Usually that's the reason I have to
Go.
So that my "parents" can protect themselves.
I want to be protected too.
I don't always want to
Go.
I don't want to be sent from family to family anymore.
I don't want to
Go.
I want to stay.
That's why when I met
You,
My life changed.
I felt wanted.
I felt important.
For the first time in my life,
I felt more than useless.
"I love you," you'd say.
And it would make me crazy.
Those three little words.
The impact.
The feeling.
Its a cliche but for once I felt
Loved.
By you.
That's all I ever wanted.
For someone not to say
Go.
Go.
Go.
You've made me insane.
I love you and I hate it.
I hate it so much.
I hate having someone to love.
Because since I laid eyes on you my mind hasn't stopped racing.
A billion miles an hour.
All about you.
I can't stop worrying.
I can't stop wondering.
I can't stop wanting.
You've made me a monster.
But its okay
Because I love you with all of my being.
So when I felt you were going to say something,
I thought
Here it comes.
Go.
Go.
Go.
But then something different happened.
You leaned in close and said.
Please.
Don't.
Go.
And just like that,
You changed my life.
And I don't have to
Go.
And I don't have to be afraid to
Go.
And I can accept it.
Accept you.
And I finally say,
I.
Will.
Never.
Go.
Or at least that's what I thought.
Then.
See, people try and make life
something that it's not.
And even when you want something with all of your might, you
probably
won't
get
it.
too
far
from
reach.
I wanted you.
Wanted us.
I've never wanted anything more in my whole life, than that one moment. The one moment where everything seems so
Perfect.
When the whole world stops in its tracks for just one second.
The feeling of love. Feeling that you're needed.
Is it too much to want to feel strong and proud for just one moment.
Was it just never meant to be?
I'm here.
Waiting.
Just for you.
I'll catch you.
Pull you up when you fall.
Be by your side.
Life would be
Perfect.
If you were here.
With me.
Life isn't fair.
Sometimes you get lucky...and sometimes
You lose.
Fallen.
Defeated.
You have to just hope and pray that you get a good hand.
Good luck.
Hope you find someone.
The one.
Everyone hopes for that one moment.
That one feeling.
That one love.
But in all actuality,
Most of us never get it.
Because
That's just it.
Life isn't fair.
Its just a shooting star.
You see it.
Its beautiful.
You make a wish.
Then, just like that...
Its gone.
With no warning.
No alarm.
No expiration date to expect.
Just
G
O
N
E.
No matter how badly you want something to work.
All you can do is hope.
Pray.
(if that works...)
Times weren't always so bad...
I
remember.
You.
Me.
Us...
You.
That one little word.
Enough to make every nerve in my body tingle.
You.
Brown eyes.
That can pierce through anything it seems.
That intoxicate anything in their gaze.
You.
With the blinding smile.
That makes me go crazy.
That can brighten any day.
You.
The wittiness that works as an Insta-happy.
That makes every bad day good.
You.
The way you talk.
With so much enthusiasm.
With so much emphasis on every syllable.
With so much presence.
You.
The way you can leave for 3 weeks
Come back
And everything seems normal.
You.
And your face.
And your cheeks.
And your lips.
You.
The perfect one.
Except
Something
Is
Missing.
There's only one thing that can make you more perfect.
Me.
Me.
The weird one.
The one who seeks
And seeks
And seeks
But feels empty all the same.
Me.
I need something.
Everything.
Anything.
Anyone.
Me.
With the
Dark
Scary
Empty
Cold
Eyes.
Me.
That smiles so rarely.
Never is a better word.
Me.
With no aspirations.
Until
I
Met
You.
The only thing that keeps me sane.
You.
The one thing that changed everything.
Me.
Bright cheery eyes.
Incessant smiling.
Witty attitude.
Me.
No not me.
Its all because of
You.
Because you made
Me
A
Better
Person.
You.
Us.
Us.
The happiness.
The joy.
The constant reminder that I'm wanted.
No
Needed.
The constant feeling that I need.
You.
Your greatness made me great.
You saved me.
We're saved.
We're each an open hand.
Now clutched on to one another.
Us.
Me
Enthralled
Entwined
By one thing
You.
You.
You.
The constant thought.
Running through my head.
Never leaving.
You made me have something to live for.
Its not just
Me.
Not just
You.
Its all different now.
All great now.
An all new reason.
A reason to fight.
Fight forever.
For us.
Us.
Us.
Us.
Now, all I remember is..
being
A
L
O
N
E.
Alone.
That's the way we were born into this world.
Alone.
Its a scary thought.
Being isolated from humanity.
Alone.
At some point in life, we'll be alone.
No one really cares at some point in life. You have to take care of yourself.
You have to face the world.
Alone.
I sit in a darkened room.
Alone.
And yet the fears of isolation dissipate.
Being alone is cleansing.
It let's our soul have time to purify.
There's only one true place we are ourselves.
Alone.
No one sees the true person.
Alone.
You alone know the person you are when you're alone.
Alone.
Its the way we'll leave this place called life.
Alone.
It isn't scary in the least.
Unless you're truly...
Alone.
Because no one in their right mind can face this place.
Alone.
Yet I still can't help but remember.
This Minor Infraction...
I remember.
What we were.
What we should
Still be.
Now.
And I smile. I see you. Me.
Happy.
Like it used to be.
It wasn't so bad.
We weren't ripping at each other's throats.
Like a wild pack of hyenas.
We saw love.
Saw eachother.
It was undeniable.
We.
Were undeniable.
So
What
Happened?
Where did things go
Down
The
Drain?
Why can't things go back to how
I remember.
I know things were bumpy sometimes.
But what isn't?
Love is an unpaved road.
A road to nowhere.
But we were still in it.
Still following it.
Blindly.
We had eachother.
And that was enough.
I remember.
And would do anything to have it back.
The good.
The bad.
Everything.
The love.
The reason.
How can you just forget?
I refuse to think you're that shallow.
Don't you remember?
Us.
How we held eachother.
As we lay there intertwined.
I would do anything to see you again.
We were undeniable.
Don't you remember?
I'll forgive you.
I'll apologize first.
Just
Please
Come
Back.
Please.
Come.
Back.
Please come back.
Please
Come
Back.
My world is upside down without you here.
My heart feels like its gonna jump out my throat.
My brain feels like its been overused.
Over abused.
Over led.
Over load.
Just like me.
You sent me on a broken trail of horror.
When you left.
Please come back.
I can't function.
I won't function.
Until you're back.
Back. In. My. Arms.
Back
To
Where
We
-i-
Was happy.
Back
When
You hadn't gone.
Come
Back.
Without you,
Life is
P
O
I
N
T
L
E
S
S
.
A downward spiral of
Lost love.
Lost dreams.
Lost faith.
Lost hope.
Without you,
I'm a downward spiral.
Lost love.
All because I lost
You.
Please
Come
Back.
Don't you remember all the great times we shared.
All the memories.
All the laughs.
All the love?
Where did it go?
Where did you go?
Why did you leave?
Please
Come
Back.
I need you.
My heart aches for you.
My soul yearns to fill the empty spot.
My hands twinge at the thought of your hands.
Electric.
Soft.
Warming.
Please come back.
Its all I can say.
I don't know where you are.
I don't know if you still believe,
But how do you just leave?
After 3 years
Of
Happiness.
Love.
Joy.
Excitement.
Fun.
Surprise.
Hope.
How can you just let it all go?
Please come back.
I beg
I plead
Please come back.
Just come back.
I'll forgive you.
Forgive you for leaving.
For abandoning
Me.
Us.
You just upped and left.
How?
Why?
Please come back.
If I could change time and make you stay, I would.
But I don't know why you even left.
All I know is I need you.
Every bit of you.
I yearn for you.
I long for you.
I want you.
So I wait for you.
Every day.
I wait.
And its okay because I love you.
I
Love
You.
I live for you.
I live to love you.
Everything.
All
For
You.
If you're out there
Somewhere,
I want you to know
I'm sorry
For anything I did wrong.
All
I
Want
Is
For
You
To
Please
Come
Back.
I need you.
Everything about you makes my heart beat faster.
When
I like you.
Like you a lot.
When you smile.
When you cry.
When you laugh.
When you yell.
When I look into your eyes.
When I feel your heart beating.
When I just sit by you.
The world seems right
When you're around.
And when you lay next to me
I can't breathe.
Can't breathe when you're so close.
But it feels
Right.
So
Right.
I breathe you in in one big gulp.
Then its gone.
I can't breathe.
Because when I look at you
My mind races.
My heart aches.
My soul warms.
When I see you my ego is boosted.
When I miss you, my heart longs for you with every possible piece of itself.
My hands yearn to connect with yours.
When you're here,
Life is
Beautiful
Wonderful
Great
Complete.
But when you're gone,
This is a dark place.
Its
Cold
Dark
Wrong
Broken.
When you're not near me,
Life is a smore with no chocolate.
When you're gone,
I'm gone.
Not myself.
A dead life.
A sad soul.
An empty bottomless pit of nothing.
Always yearning
Longing
For one thing.
You.
Anticipating that moment
When
You're here.
When
I see you.
When
I breathe you in.
When
You're back.
When
I'm mended.
A million broken pieces
Glued back together
By the love of a saint.
My saint.
When you're here.
When we're together,
I'm whole.
When you're with me.
When
You
Are
By
Me
Life is complete.
When
You
Are
Gone
Its a different story.
So I sit here
Wondering
When?
When?
When?
When?
When?
Waiting.
Patiently.
For the perfect moment.
When
All
Will
Change.
And it is.
When
I say those
4
Words.
"Will"
When.
"You"
When.
"Marry"
When.
"Me?"
When.
The moment is perfect.
Life is perfect.
And
For a split second.
When
Life stands still
And you look me in the eyes.
And I know you've made my whole life before you even say it.
When
You
Said
It.
"Yes."
Through your sobs
That make me want to kiss your face.
My life is eternally complete.
When
We're
Forever
Together.
When I'm yours and your mine.
When
For
The
First
Time,
I'm
Not
Afraid.
When
You
Complete
My
Life
Every
Single
Day
Of
Your
Existence.
When for the first time,
I'm whole.
When.
Not a question anymore.
Just a statement.
When we're together,
I'm whole.
But now you're gone.
By choice.
By faith?
What am I supposed to do?
I tell myself it wasn't my fault.
But that's the only thing I can think of.
WHY?
I can't not remember the words she said to me.
"Why? Why?!"
Honestly, I didn't know what to say.
How do you explain something like that?
How do you explain yourself after trying something like that.
Why?
Echoes in my brain.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why? Did she have to walk in and see me doing it.
Cutting.
"Why? Why?!"
Shock.
Gulp.
Big gulp.
"Whaa? Get out!
Get out!"
No movement.
"Get the fuck out!"
I ruined it.
Ruined it all.
Everything I had to live for.
Now
She's
Dead.
"its not your fault."
Everyone said.
Not my fault.
Not my fault?
Not my fault?!"
I can't not blame me.
Because I'm the only one to
Blame.
The
Only
One.
Why?
Why? Did I have to let her see me?
Why wasn't I smart about it.
I'd hidden it from her before.
No problem.
Why did I have to say that?
Why did she look so hurt?
What did she think?
What was I thinking?
Why?
Why?
Why?!
"Stop it. Stop blaming yourself. You know its not your fault."
There it is again
"its not your fault."
Why do they say that?
Why?
The have no idea.
I am to blame.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
Me.
What did she feel?
When I said it.
When it happened.
When she sped.
When she skidded.
Into.
The.
Lake.
Why?
Why?
Why?!
Well, here's the thing, no one can say why.
No one knows.
Why I said it.
Why she sped.
Why she crashed.
Why He took her.
From me.
No one knows.
But I guess that's how life is supposed to go.
Not knowing.
Why?
Why?
Why?!
In the end, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter why.
Why things happen.
Happened.
Will happen.
None of it matters.
This doesn't matter anymore.
Because
Its all over now.
This is it.
Acceptance is love.
I accepted her death.
Accepted not knowing why.
Why?
Why?
Why?!
Life can go on.
I'll let it now.
Now
This is it.
Its over.
The end, the beginning.
All in one.
And.
No.
One.
Knows.
Why.
And I guess I never will.
All I know is I love her.
And even though she's gone.
I will always remember her.
And even though my life is as fucked up as it is.
There's still hope.
Still Reason.
Life may seem like a continuum sometimes,
But that's when we have to open our eyes
and
R
E
A
L
I
Z
E
WE DECIDE.
Everything is in our
CONTROL.
We just have to pop in our iPods.
and figure out
what
it
is
we're
fighting
for.
I know its superrrr long, but I love you if you read it all the way through!
its kinda hard to read...have no idea why it did that
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